


burden

by MaddieandChimney



Series: Comfortember 2020 [8]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gen, can't tag two series, rose universe - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:20:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,288
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27915895
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaddieandChimney/pseuds/MaddieandChimney
Summary: Comfortember Day Nine: Confession.Part of the Rose Universe - Maddie doesn't know Karen very well but she finds herself opening up to the woman when they have some time alone.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Series: Comfortember 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2044117
Kudos: 8
Collections: Comfortember 2020





	burden

Maddie shifts awkwardly on the couch, biting down on her lip as she looks at the way Hen presses her hand against Karen’s stomach, their lips connecting for just a moment before both she and Chimney are bidding them goodbye, the door shutting behind them. They were only going to do the school run and to the store for their extended family meal that night on the rare day all three shift workers of the four adults had the night off.

It’s not the first time Maddie has been left alone with Karen but she still finds herself nervous being around her. Karen and Hen were Chimney’s best friends, not her and although they had never made her feel anything but welcome, she still felt that nervous energy bubbling inside of her when she was around either women. They both meant the world to her boyfriend, the two had been his biggest source of comfort and support when he’d first gotten Rose and then a year later when he’d gotten into his car accident. Maddie can’t help but think she owes both Hen and Karen everything for making sure Chimney got through the darkness and came out the other side _twice._

“Are you and Chimney okay?”

That was one thing she had learnt very quickly, whilst Hen wasn’t the most subtle, Karen made her wife look shy. And she’s looking at her right then in a way that makes Maddie want to open her mouth and tell her everything but she shouldn’t. Because Karen is Chimney’s best friend, not hers. So she absolutely shouldn’t open up to her but when Karen plops down next to her on the couch and turns to her, with her hand on her stomach that is just starting to pop at fourteen weeks, the tension in her stomach seems to rise to her chest in a way that physically aches.

“I don’t expect you to say yes because… I would ever tell you to keep something from Hen, I know we—I know I haven’t known you that long and you’re Chimney’s friend—”

“I’m your friend, too, Maddie…” Karen is quick to interrupt her, a hand moving on top of hers, slamming her teeth down onto her bottom lip in an attempt to stop the tears before she takes a breath, giving a small nod of her head as she does.

“I-I… um, if I told you something, would you promise not to tell Chimney? Not because I’m keeping secrets from him, it’s just, I don’t want him to hurt anymore than he is already.” When the woman nods her head, Maddie smiles, “I told Chimney that I want a baby and he told me that he doesn’t. Ever. He’s had Rose and that’s enough and I-I get that, I do because I love that little girl like she’s my own and I can’t imagine loving a child anymore than I do her. She is enough—”

Karen is quick to shift a little closer to her on the couch, both of her hands moving to grab hers before she shakes her head, “You don’t have to justify yourself to me, Maddie. I have raised Denny as my own and I never think of him as anything other than my son. Wanting another child doesn’t mean you love the other any less, no matter how either child came into the world.” The tears are falling and she internally chastises herself for forgetting, even for just a moment, that Karen understood her on a level that no one else in her life did. She’d forgotten, frankly, that Denny was neither biologically Karen’s or Hen’s, simply because she had never thought of him as anything other than _theirs_. Just as she didn’t think of Rose as anything other than her daughter, not anymore.

“I wish I could just make the feeling go away, you know? I wish I could click my fingers and forget this longing I feel every single day and it hurts. It’s like a physical pain and I’m just terrified that it’s going to break us up because he doesn’t want what I want and—I can’t imagine wanting this with anyone else, I really can’t. But I also can’t seem to get past it, I just… I turned thirty-five a few weeks ago and I just feel like time is moving too fast and before I know it, it’s going to be even more difficult if he does change his mind or… if he doesn’t and I realise I want it more than I want to be happy with him and Rose.” Her bottom lip trembles, the tears falling heavier as she gulps down the lump in her throat, “They’re my family and I’ve never had a family of my own before. I can’t lose them over something I can’t control. I can’t… control the way Chimney feels or change his mind or… force him into something he doesn’t want. I can’t change this even if I wish I could.”

There’s silence for a moment and she wonders if she’s pushed too far, if she’s asking Karen to keep too much a secret from both her wife and her best friend. Until arms are wrapping around her and she’s being pulled into the warmth of her body as she closes her eyes. “I’m not saying that Chimney will change his mind but there’s a lot more trauma there than he lets on. He loves Rose, you know that and he is an amazing father but… it wasn’t always like that. He’s always been a good dad, but he hasn’t always known that and the first few months of Rose’s life was hard, beyond hard and he struggled so much.”

They both pull back to look at each other as Maddie realises she’d never really heard much about those first few months. She knew the facts – that Chimney hadn’t even known he was going to be a dad until he was driving to the hospital, that Rose’s mom had died on the same day Rose was born in a car accident that could have easily killed them both and that Chimney had gone from bachelor to dad within just a few hours. Those were the facts but she didn’t know anything about how terrifying that must have been, or how stressed he obviously would have been because he never spoke about it. “I know it’s different this time because he will have you but when a memory comes from a place of profound trauma, logic doesn’t really creep in.”

Maddie sniffs, nodding her head as she wipes her eyes, knowing they have a little more time before their respective partners and kids walk through the door but still feeling paranoid that Chimney will see her as a mess and know exactly what’s wrong. And then the guilt would start to creep in and she doesn’t think she can cope with that look in his eyes again. “You need to talk to him, I know you think it’s easier to avoid the conversation but… you should talk before making any decisions.”

It’s with a small nod that she agrees, her eyes flicking down at the woman’s stomach before she takes a breath, “You’re right. I know… thank you.” At least it feels as though a little of the weight she’d been carrying around had been lifted and there’s something a little close to hope rising within her that maybe, just maybe there was a lot more to her boyfriends words than a simple desire to never have a child with her.

It’s with a smirk and a nudge that Karen laughs, “I’m always right, the sooner you learn that, the easier it will be.”


End file.
